Little progress, little progress, hold on, hold on, persist, persist, throw out, throw out. ….

Well my mom told me her father was an autodidact. He flee from school to dwell in the fields of the North of France when again he was blamed by the teacher in the old days… never mind he hang out somewhere until school finished. Well, learning to read is not that difficult, is it? My grandfather told her about that boy he knew, an orphan, 5 years old, and for the time being taken care of by an old lady. She was not very good in children from a certain widespread point of view as she mainly read for the kid ‘selfishly’ what she liked herself, the extended French classic literature. And that kid did not want to leave that home anymore, did not want to be replaced. Did the kid grasp the thing or not, he was certainly nourished as concerned spirit and soul. Even though the  material might have been far too complex, the act of being read to and the vast complexity of the books, gave him empowerment. I do believe in complexity. Never run from it. We have to learn the skill to survie on our own in our own skin, spirits wraped in bodies. And the reality is vast and unique in its successive moments. Emerson text is an eyeopener.

Its effect is a push in my back towards aspects of some definite major purposes in life, seemingly small things like making a home, making the world a home, making the world of my home, making my home, home.





Lots of things seem to be changing for the better. However, I am in desperation and fear. I can not control the stress. And I believe I am not progressing because of the tears and the continuous mourning. I do not see how there can be a way out. Nonetheless, I have this MKMMA course, wonderfull and all true. But how can I keep up, with all the requirements, I just don’t. and after all this time, I still feel the outsider, the observer, the disorganised. I do he readings, the sit is the most difficult – although I understand more and more that it is the most crucial part. And then the silent period of minimum 24hours. shall I do it the same way as so many years ago when i went on the silent retreat of ten days and felt that t was both interesting and so so so confronting, not relaxing but heavy – and I had an injury due to stretching ….. It was a stry of I have done this, completed it on pure will and persistence. But where is the true peace of mind, the gentleness, the rest? Unless you have forgiven all , unless you have let go of all the grief and ressentment towards others, justified or not, there can be no connection to the divine … For this course it was messy with the cards even could not implement it well in my life, the virtues I just could do one or two with precision as far as I could. What a bad pupil.  I get into the system and I know it is developped to help yourself and others in a very correct way. It is true that I always felt resistance. Emotions are pure inteligence, I discover. What does the fear tells me? The panic? The tears? What do they tell? They tell that the purpose of life is to pull yourself out of the misery and so you help everybody else, and only you can do it. Life is telling us always the same lesson. And insight is a start but not enough -you have to do it. Do it now. I am doing a lot of stuff and especially things that scare me to death. I do. Because fear teaches me what it is all about in the confrontation . If I feel excluded, I connect with the events and find out what it is that is really at stake here. The lessons I have to learn in the timeframe of the life that is left.


What if i just accept? Stop losing the battle, stop losing he fight …. surrender to … the opportunity to face fear, sadness, mourning, …. to decude not to resist. It is different from refraining to a reaction, be it a solution or being the observer. It is to decide to be stupid. Ah, that is what it feels like, being too stupid to even understand the reason and causes of the pain. It is being in the ability to do nothing more than be the negative feeling. Do not solve the problem. I remember this saying from my beloved Japanese friend. Let the paradox exist, and, hey, do not solve the problem. This is a kind of an attitude. what will it bring us?

In the feeling we do not know history nor future. How do we act and how do we understand? I feel that a lot of the work I do, we do, has to do with this. what does a longduring unending process of experiencing fear or sorrow do to us, to our bodies, what can this tell us. We observe with precision our tics. We try hard to find out about our structure and signature.


Today the sun was warming the earth with a first sring breeze. So nice. I had to think about happiness. did I make some happiness inside, does my own sun shines within? What is it that darkens the light? It is so easy to get along with the sunny day and we see the people lightening up. I could feel my skin opening up and feelng he joy of the upcming snny days. This is the most beautiful period of the year. The human being is nearly transparent asthe skin is still so asocial to the sun as to say. The whiteness of the people just moving out of the dark days of winter is painful on the eye, and the eye itself is still uncomfortale wih the abundance of light. This time of adjustment is inspiring to witness, how uncomfortable we are with the hours of daylight lenghtening and air warming up, with this fondle of sunrays. We welcome the light and all go through this time of adjustment. Hmm, how cosy were my trousers and socks and underwear, when shal I ‘peel’ them off and surrender to the coming spring? when will I leave this comfortzone and dance in the light? When will I take the journey and stop thinking, or better, start hyperthinking as I call the mental work we do in the mkmma? It is indeed a mental training to think dfferently, not to not think. Often when we areenjoying ourselves we do not think or at least it seeems likely. But by going through the process of trainig and the confrontations with myself, my habits and blueprint, I realise I start thinking much more intensely by forgetting yes, forgetting, yes, forgetting, trying to forget about yesterday and tomorrow. And if that would be ever possible to manifest, the sun will certainly shine from within.

the course of course

This week: a funny week. Caught by the flue, things went misty and dreamy. I could not catch up with my mma mate to make our first encounter, I tried but failed, too ill. Nonetheless, I could review some of the webinars, played the last one , week 17 three times, and then decided that I had to revisit the early ones, because I am still struggling with the basics. However, I did not manage to finish the ones I picked, which were 3 and 4. This feeling of grasping but not yet internalising chases me and bothers me. And I hoped that this fever would give me finally the ideal ‘stolen time’ in my busy -but -not – so -busy life to catch up with the course. My house, my family, work, it is still ‘a mess’. Sometimes i feel I have two different lives and they do not merge. On the one side I try to find the key to work with my blue prints, the one that is old and the one that is new, on the other side, I am overwhelmed by the struggle of live so to say. It is indeed very hard work. And one of my greatest difficulties is the doing! I can feel an unsurmountable reluctance. I feel so blocked in life. And I experience reluctance. And I realised the reluctance is in fact the call for inner action. I can recognise that from before. I do not want to get better by improving my conditions, I do want to get better and as a consequence have my living conditions improved. I would be so dissapointed to have for instance a nce relationship and then feel happy. How reliable would that be? Is it not from inner strength that the blessing if ever exists , must come? So that brings me back to he work to be done. Of course, the course.

Did I send you a postcard?


Best wishes for 2017! As a matter of fact, in this week of focussing on kindness, I can not withheld you his beautifull story, all true!

A friend of me started writing new year cards to her neighbours, in fact the whole street was involved. In this week of focussing on kindness, I could not withhold to you her magnificent story. After writing her 27th card, she experienced some lack of coureageousness. Another 109 to go…Would they understand this was only a once-in-a-lifetime action? Should I add, next year I won’t be that stupid…. it would not make me popular…

There were several version. For th neighbours I knew, I signed with my name. For those I only greeted in the street, I signed with, your neighbour. Some I crossed hunderds of times. If you crossed each other ten times and sis not greet, then there is no way back!. Then it is far better to look for your phone, or look the other way (you never know what is happening there!

She put her face on the card. The days after, she learns to know her old neighbours a few houses further, as they send her a card back with their names on. Since then they smile at each other. Further in the street a hand is raising in the air. Kids suddenly seem to have a name. If they have more kids, it is sometimes difficult to guess what name belongs to which kid, but that is simply a matter of not looking for my phone and not looking at the other side of the street and just talk to them.

One afternoon the bell rings. It was my neighbour. ‘I  have a card for you’. Waw, personal delivery!, my friend tought. The card was send by a family, and he showed me that the housenumber was wrong, it was his number instead of mine.Then he shared the story of the card. The card was not for him but for my friend. He said he did not know her, so he went back to the postpoint to ask, they did not know either, and then decided to drop the  card back in the postbag for reposting to the adress of the writer, my friend. But when he came home, he found her card in his mailbox. As quick as he could he run back to the post, asked to search for the card he just dropped in the postbag, and found it! Very proud he rang my bell and gave me the card. Since then we meet and greet!

Thanks to my friend!